Comment: My new French passport poses all sorts of questions about self and identity
Columnist Cynthia Spillman reflects on what it means to have a foot in both camps
Applying for French citizenship can take several years
justit / Shutterstock
For the last seven years and eight months, I have been on a rollercoaster journey, only reaching my final destination this week.
I refer to the granting of my French passport, by descent.
The elation caused me to reflect on identity – what it means to us generally, and to me in particular.
What is identity?
Personal identity gives you your sense of self, including your unique traits.
National identity is a part of our self-perception of who we are in a wider sense. This is a deeply personal and complex mix, which can also encompass who your parents told you you ought to be.
When I reflect on my international upbringing, there are two ways of looking at it. On one level, I loved being brought up bilingual, part of a large, cosmopolitan extended family and with frequent visits to and from Nice.
The flip side of this was that I never felt I belonged in my birthplace of Glasgow. I was something of an oddity on several levels.
I had a French mother and did not speak a word of English when I went to school.
In addition, I attended a convent school but my father was Jewish.
For the greater part of my life, I felt I did not have a foot in either camp.
Your identity can vary throughout life
We all go through experiences that shape who we are and who we become.
I was a daughter before I became a wife and mother. With my parents now dead, does that make me an orphan?
My sense of identity was profoundly shaken when my son died and I suddenly found myself the mother of one child.
I then became a mature law student and a divorcee. Now I am a grandmother.
But the whole ‘me’ is greater than the sum of my parts. I am neither one thing nor the other, but a now-vintage tapestry of my life’s journey.
Why being French matters to me
Obtaining my French passport has brought me, formally, to a place I wanted to be all of my life.
It is my birth right – and when I was refused nationality last year on spurious grounds, I was outraged.
As somebody who has suffered major injustices, I found it a bitter pill to swallow.
It also matters hugely to me to be French, because to my core I feel ‘French’.
The happiest days of my troubled childhood and adolescence were spent in France.
The thought of going back to Nice sustained me in my darkest moments.
I was due to go and live there but my parents thwarted my desires and married me off at 19.
It is never too late to be what you might have been
Life is full of second chances. On my last trip to our home in Provence, I had one of those overwhelming, near-spiritual moments when I suddenly realised I was finally home.
There was no shining light or roll of drums – but there I was in the supermarket with my
panier realising that, aged 65, I finally belonged somewhere.
‘I am a part of all that I have met’
In his poem Ulysses, Tennyson states that we are a compilation of our encounters and experiences.
Occasionally, we are also part of somebody we have never met.
On my uncle’s death bed, he told my father about a sibling who had been born before my father. Nothing more was said and nobody knew about the missing brother.
When I registered my father’s death, I was able to discover the child’s name and dates of birth and death.
It troubled me for the last 12 years that I was unable to find his burial place.
Then, two weeks ago, I discovered online that he was buried in an unmarked grave in Glasgow with hundreds of other children.
Some 108 years after his death, I am finally arranging the installation of a memorial plaque for my Uncle Louis in the cemetery.
It is of great importance to me that this five-month-old baby is brought back from obscurity.
Louis is part of my and my Russian family’s history.
Tips for reflecting on your identity
- Journaling can help you access your deepest feelings about your roots and their importance
- Reading about the times in which your ancestors lived can be useful
- Creativity can help you process your thoughts and feelings
- Seeking out and having conversations with family members can guide you towards an improved sense of self
- Travelling to family-significant locations can be inspirational
- Seek professional expertise to track down your roots.
Do Cynthia’s sentiments on identity resonate with you? Has French citizenship changed or heightened your perception of self? Feel free to share your thoughts and personal experiences on the subject by emailing: cynthia.spillman@connexionfrance.com.
